Monday, October 4, 2010

Random Ramblings

I know I haven't posted for a long time. I apologize to all my faithful fans. I know there are so many of you. We spent a month without a computer then I had girl's camp and then school started (for both Josh and myself) and it's all I can do to keep my house mildly organized. I'll wait until you stop laughing (if there is anyone reading this at all).

Oddly, I didn't even start this post to get caught up with my life. I just needed to get somethings out that could have the possibility of feedback without worrying of what grade I will receive.

These last few (read: since February) months have been an emotional roller coaster. I cried on and off all through girl's camp (even during non-emotional experiences). I cry my eyes out at least once a month. I have felt less than sane quite a few times.

Slight recap: I lost a baby in February. Since then, it's been interesting. I've had over 15 friends (some of them sister or sisters-in-law) have their own baby. I'm so excited for them. It is a wonderful thing to have a child. But it's also be extremely hard to see the fruition of their dreams and desires while dealing with my own loss.

Last month (September 7) was the due date of this little lost child. I spent the whole week feeling really down. I thought I would be feeling much better by this time, but not so. I dread that time of the month when, once again, I am shown to be without child. My heart aches every time Joseph tells me he wants to have a baby at our house. I want to see him as a big brother, and yet, I don't know what else to do to make that happen.

I'm tired of people telling me stupid things like "well, the baby probably wouldn't have survived anyway" or "it's Heavenly Father's way of making things better". Would you like to hear that after your child died? I don't think so. I want people to tell me they love me and they feel my heartbreak. I want to know that others know how I feel and felt the same way themselves. I don't like putting on a smiling face, when at times I just want to hide in my room and cry.

Granted, I don't always feel this way. Normally I feel fine and happy and enjoy what is going on around me. But when I hear about children being abused or killed by those who should be taking care of and loving them, or when someone who is NOT in a committed relationship is having children, it's really hard for me to understand the purpose of all of this. Yes, I know, Heavenly Father has a plan for me. And it's different than the plan He has for anyone else. And I know that those who do evil things to children will be punished. But it doesn't make my heart ache any less.

A couple weeks ago I was thinking about the accident I had on my mission. I was hit by a motorcycle and spent two weeks in the hospital in Uruguay and then came home for 5 months to recover. I had a broken leg, a skull fracture, and pulmonary problems. I think in some ways that was to prepare me for this experience. Of course, it didn't bring much heart ache with it, but I did have a complete life changing experience. And I learned we never know what the Lord has in store for us.

Thank you for reading all of my ranting and raving. If you have any suggestions or words of comfort, I would love to hear them. I long for the day when I can see that child again and hold it in my arms. I pray that someday Joseph WILL be a big brother and some lucky child will be able to benefit from his sweet, kind, loving ways.

I know Heavenly Father, my wonderful husband, and my sweet son love me and they all show me in so many ways. I really am a lucky woman.

4 comments:

Bowen Family said...

You are awesome Jennifer & you are loved! I'm so excited for you that you're less than a year away from having your parents back. It is such a blessing, but at times, such a loss too! Hang in there! Joseph is sure blessed to have such a great mom!

Ryan Cowley said...

I cried just reading this! You are loved very much!! I'm sorry that you have had such a hard year! And I agree, Joseph does have a wonderful mother!!

Reeves Family said...

Oh Jen! I'm so sorry. I wish I had something wise and comforting to say. I don't begin to know what you are going through, but I do know you are loved very much and that you are a wonderful person, mother, wife, sister-in-law, etc etc etc. Hang in there - this too shall pass. xoxo

Rachel said...

Oh my sweet Jenn! You have the most wonderful heart and you shouldn't feel bad feeling this way. If you didn't feel this way after such a crazy painful loss (and to have to continue to have that pain EVERY month) I would wonder about you! I do read your blog and think about you all the time. You are one of the most amazing people I know, and when I hear of your heart aching like this I shed a tear for the heartache you must endure.

I remember calling your mom and hearing about your accident and how beside myself I was when I found out. I also remember how happy I was when you said you would be willing to watch Lauren while you were home. I don't know if I ever told you this then, but I didn't trust anyone else with my precious little girl! It was you or nobody, because I knew what a caring, kind, loving and faithful person you are, and I can only imagine how that has been amplified through the years and with your own sweet boy.
I've felt the pain you feel monthly and I hope and pray that you get to replace that with joy soon!!