I know I haven't posted for a long time. I apologize to all my faithful fans. I know there are so many of you. We spent a month without a computer then I had girl's camp and then school started (for both Josh and myself) and it's all I can do to keep my house mildly organized. I'll wait until you stop laughing (if there is anyone reading this at all).
Oddly, I didn't even start this post to get caught up with my life. I just needed to get somethings out that could have the possibility of feedback without worrying of what grade I will receive.
These last few (read: since February) months have been an emotional roller coaster. I cried on and off all through girl's camp (even during non-emotional experiences). I cry my eyes out at least once a month. I have felt less than sane quite a few times.
Slight recap: I lost a baby in February. Since then, it's been interesting. I've had over 15 friends (some of them sister or sisters-in-law) have their own baby. I'm so excited for them. It is a wonderful thing to have a child. But it's also be extremely hard to see the fruition of their dreams and desires while dealing with my own loss.
Last month (September 7) was the due date of this little lost child. I spent the whole week feeling really down. I thought I would be feeling much better by this time, but not so. I dread that time of the month when, once again, I am shown to be without child. My heart aches every time Joseph tells me he wants to have a baby at our house. I want to see him as a big brother, and yet, I don't know what else to do to make that happen.
I'm tired of people telling me stupid things like "well, the baby probably wouldn't have survived anyway" or "it's Heavenly Father's way of making things better". Would you like to hear that after your child died? I don't think so. I want people to tell me they love me and they feel my heartbreak. I want to know that others know how I feel and felt the same way themselves. I don't like putting on a smiling face, when at times I just want to hide in my room and cry.
Granted, I don't always feel this way. Normally I feel fine and happy and enjoy what is going on around me. But when I hear about children being abused or killed by those who should be taking care of and loving them, or when someone who is NOT in a committed relationship is having children, it's really hard for me to understand the purpose of all of this. Yes, I know, Heavenly Father has a plan for me. And it's different than the plan He has for anyone else. And I know that those who do evil things to children will be punished. But it doesn't make my heart ache any less.
A couple weeks ago I was thinking about the accident I had on my mission. I was hit by a motorcycle and spent two weeks in the hospital in Uruguay and then came home for 5 months to recover. I had a broken leg, a skull fracture, and pulmonary problems. I think in some ways that was to prepare me for this experience. Of course, it didn't bring much heart ache with it, but I did have a complete life changing experience. And I learned we never know what the Lord has in store for us.
Thank you for reading all of my ranting and raving. If you have any suggestions or words of comfort, I would love to hear them. I long for the day when I can see that child again and hold it in my arms. I pray that someday Joseph WILL be a big brother and some lucky child will be able to benefit from his sweet, kind, loving ways.
I know Heavenly Father, my wonderful husband, and my sweet son love me and they all show me in so many ways. I really am a lucky woman.
