I just got back from the viewing of my brother-in-law, Jeremy. He took his own life last week. It is so sad. He was 15 years old. No one should have to deal with that. Especially at this time of year. As I watched his sisters struggle to speak to well wishers, my heart cried for their sorrow. To see all the love that was poured out to him and his family, it is so sad he felt things so hopeless that he needed to end his life. I watched family members cry for the loss of their son, brother, uncle and friend. I held Josh's little sister, April, as she cried inconsolably. She is 13 and the closest to Jeremy in age. I whispered in her ear how grateful I am for the atonement/resurrection.
This is what Christmas is all about. Not the death and sorrow of our loved ones, but the hope that we can be with them again. Because of Christmas we can say "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?" I looked at Jeremy's body in the casket and knew, he was not there. As Joseph says "he's broken". But because of Christ, he will be fixed again.
Because Christ was born, just as we are all born. Because He lived the life He lived. Because He died and was resurrected, we can all be resurrected. What a wonderful blessing. We can have our bodies back in a perfected form. And we get to keep them forever.
So long, Jeremy. I will miss you. I will miss your heart melting smile. I will miss your cute little giggle. But we will be together again some day. I hope you feel our love and realize how much you will be missed. Love you buddy.
I just wanted to update my post and let you all know how grateful I am. We really have so many blessings in our lives. So many times we overlook all of the things we receive because either they are not what we wanted or we are too focused on the things we are not receiving.
Some of our wonderful blessings include:
Josh graduating from Weber State yesterday (hopefully I will post pics on that). Skyping with Mom and Dad today during our family fireside.
Next year they will be here for the fireside.
Having a General Authority (Elder Hinkley) come speak at our stake conference last week.
My sister Kirsten going through the temple while she visits Mom and Dad for Christmas.
Joseph almost having his own bedroom.
Family and friends who show their love for us in many ways.
A broken car that only cost $30 to fix.
A furnace that works.
A little boy who gets excited when we talk about Jesus and His part in Christmas.
TheGospelin my home.
I really have so many blessings and I'm so grateful for the Thanksgiving/Christmas season that helps us remember how blessed we are.
This is what happens when I leave Josh and Joseph home alone.
I went to a recipe exchange for Relief Society and came home to be shown this pic. That's a Sharpie, folks. Josh was mudding in Joseph's room and came out to find this. He had also taken the scissors out of the drawer and cut up the newspaper into tiny pieces. Luckily with some rubbing alcohol and a cloth, Josh got most of the marker off the monitor. The joys of children.
So I need to update my blog. Mostly so it's not so depressing.
We have had a very busy summer. And it hasn't stopped yet. Maybe when we retire. But I'm not counting on it.
Anyway, after we went to California, we had a bunch of activities that we've enjoyed as a family. We went ice skating at the Olympic Ice Sheet in July,
we went to a couple of parades that month also.
Also in July, the youth in our stake (along with 29 others) performed at Weber State for parents and others. It was amazing. The youth can really do great things if we let them. The spirit that they brought was so strong. It was so great to hear (and see) their testimonies. Awesome.
In September I ran a 5k at the University of Utah with my sisters (time 44 min. Not my best but since it's the first time I ran in over a year, and it was on hills, I'm proud of myself), over Labor Day we went up to Promontory Point and watched the re-enactment of the driving of the Golden Spike.
We rode Front Runner down to Salt lake about a week ago. Joseph loved riding on the "big train" and the "little train" (trax). Here a just a few pics from that fun day.
Here he is so excited to be on the train.
Sitting with Daddy looking out the window. (not at the camera)
Standing on the moon at the Planetarium (all the good exhibits were closed but he enjoyed climbing over all the "moon" rocks)
On Mars. He's trying to get used to the difference in atmosphere. You know how it is on Mars.
Playing with a fun ball he found at the gift shop. It looks like this until you pick it up and then...
It looks like this. He thought that was so cool. (and so did his Daddy)
On the way home. He fell asleep right after Farmington, but he didn't want to be held. He was a big boy on a big train, and he was BIG tired.
But he had big fun.
Anyway, both Josh and I are in school this semester. Josh is just a few weeks away from graduation (yea!!) and I'm still a few semesters away from a Bachelor's. I'm going full time this semester, but it's not going to stay that way. I'm struggling to get everything done. So we're cutting back next semester. Maybe before I'm 40 I'll have a degree. We'll see.
I know I haven't posted for a long time. I apologize to all my faithful fans. I know there are so many of you. We spent a month without a computer then I had girl's camp and then school started (for both Josh and myself) and it's all I can do to keep my house mildly organized. I'll wait until you stop laughing (if there is anyone reading this at all).
Oddly, I didn't even start this post to get caught up with my life. I just needed to get somethings out that could have the possibility of feedback without worrying of what grade I will receive.
These last few (read: since February) months have been an emotional roller coaster. I cried on and off all through girl's camp (even during non-emotional experiences). I cry my eyes out at least once a month. I have felt less than sane quite a few times.
Slight recap: I lost a baby in February. Since then, it's been interesting. I've had over 15 friends (some of them sister or sisters-in-law) have their own baby. I'm so excited for them. It is a wonderful thing to have a child. But it's also be extremely hard to see the fruition of their dreams and desires while dealing with my own loss.
Last month (September 7) was the due date of this little lost child. I spent the whole week feeling really down. I thought I would be feeling much better by this time, but not so. I dread that time of the month when, once again, I am shown to be without child. My heart aches every time Joseph tells me he wants to have a baby at our house. I want to see him as a big brother, and yet, I don't know what else to do to make that happen.
I'm tired of people telling me stupid things like "well, the baby probably wouldn't have survived anyway" or "it's Heavenly Father's way of making things better". Would you like to hear that after your child died? I don't think so. I want people to tell me they love me and they feel my heartbreak. I want to know that others know how I feel and felt the same way themselves. I don't like putting on a smiling face, when at times I just want to hide in my room and cry.
Granted, I don't always feel this way. Normally I feel fine and happy and enjoy what is going on around me. But when I hear about children being abused or killed by those who should be taking care of and loving them, or when someone who is NOT in a committed relationship is having children, it's really hard for me to understand the purpose of all of this. Yes, I know, Heavenly Father has a plan for me. And it's different than the plan He has for anyone else. And I know that those who do evil things to children will be punished. But it doesn't make my heart ache any less.
A couple weeks ago I was thinking about the accident I had on my mission. I was hit by a motorcycle and spent two weeks in the hospital in Uruguay and then came home for 5 months to recover. I had a broken leg, a skull fracture, and pulmonary problems. I think in some ways that was to prepare me for this experience. Of course, it didn't bring much heart ache with it, but I did have a complete life changing experience. And I learned we never know what the Lord has in store for us.
Thank you for reading all of my ranting and raving. If you have any suggestions or words of comfort, I would love to hear them. I long for the day when I can see that child again and hold it in my arms. I pray that someday Joseph WILL be a big brother and some lucky child will be able to benefit from his sweet, kind, loving ways.
I know Heavenly Father, my wonderful husband, and my sweet son love me and they all show me in so many ways. I really am a lucky woman.
Our vacation started Wednesday with a long drive to Northern California. Luckily it was overcast most of the way. It made driving so much nicer and the day so much cooler. But once we hit Donner's Pass, it got a lot cooler.
We stopped in Truckee for gas and the temperature was 36 degrees. We got to drive in a bit of a snowstorm as we came down the pass. But it really was pretty (and mind blowing to see snow the end of May).
We got there Wednesday night and spent the evening relaxing and unpacking the car. Thursday was a pretty lazy day. I went shopping with Merna, April and the little boys at the outlet mall. It started raining (hard) so we went home and spent the afternoon talking and playing. Friday we went to San Francisco and this was the first thing we saw.
It was really cool to go to San Francisco. As we drove through the streets I had many thoughts. First, I was amazed at how many streets, buildings, etc. reminded me of Uruguay.
Another thought was how much I wanted to be watching "What's Up, Doc?" with Barbara Streisand and Ryan O'Neal. Then we went down Lombard Street.
I know it's not a good picture, but I really felt like I was part of that movie. So cool. Maybe no one else will think it that cool. But I felt like I was in a car chase and was going to end up driving into the bay ("they drove in", "into the country?" "no, into the bay").
This is Joseph playing with the birds ("touch, bird" "Joejoe, touch bird") We could have only done that and he would have been perfectly happy.
Here are my two beautiful boys with the bay in the background. Alcatraz is to their right just out of the picture.
This is the closest we got to Alcatraz. Maybe without little kids it would be fun to go on a tour. But not really interested with the kids.
Following are some of the pictures of the pier. We really didn't take that many. But we did have fun. We went to the aquarium they have there. Pretty cool. It's small, but you get to walk under the aquarium and the fish are swimming over your head. So cool.
Joseph looking at the pier.
Joseph and I posing in front of the anchovies tank. The boys (Joseph and his cousin Jace) loved watching the fish go round and round.
Josh and Joseph watching the fish (and the sharks) swimming overhead.
More fish swimming round and round.
Joseph being a shark.
I don't even need to tell you what this is.
All the sea lions basking in the sun. I couldn't believe how many there were. Pretty cool.
After this we drove over to Ghirardelli Square. We didn't spend much time there (about 10 minutes) but we did get some chocolate. So yummy. I wish I would have bought more than just a little square.
Joseph enjoying his chocolate.
Lamps.
Here are Joseph and Jace enjoying blueberries together. Notice the blue stains on their mouths. These two had so much fun playing together (as long as the one wasn't taking a toy from the other). They shadowed each other almost everywhere. So cute to watch them having fun.
Jumping on the trampoline. Their favorite "downtime" activity.
Saturday the boys (meaning Jake and Josh) went white water rafting, while Merna and I took the kids to the Folsom zoo. Unfortunately I forgot my camera and I'm still waiting for copies. But they had a lot of fun. There is a little train that goes around the zoo that the little boys just loved. Then we went to the park right there and let the kids play.
They also had a car show going on at the time so Joseph had to touch every car there. I wish I had some pictures of that.
Sunday after church we went for a walk down to the lake about a mile from their house. It was just enough of a walk that we worked up a sweat by the time we got there.
The water was cold. But it felt good on our tired feet. Jace and Joseph had fun throwing rocks in the water. I think they were having a contest to see who could throw in the largest rock. For little guys, they sure threw some big rocks.
Here is a big part of the crew. Merna, Kallie, April and Jake.
Here are my boys enjoying the sun.
After we'd been there a few minutes, Jake said he'd give anyone who went all the way in $10. I need to reiterate that the water was quite cold. No one wanted to take him up on his offer. Shortly before we left I thought I might try it. I was wet from the waist down because of Joseph, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad to go the rest of the way in.
Here I am getting into deeper water.
When I hit that water I almost gasped. As I came up I was trying to get out of the water but I couldn't breath it was so cold. Great big adrenaline rush.
It probably took me 5 minutes to get out of the water I kept slipping and sliding on the rocks. I still have bruises on my legs. But it was so fun. And so worth it.
Then on Monday we went to the Jelly Belly factory. Again, I didn't take many pictures. But we had fun and the Jelly Bellies are so yummy. Fun fact: I found out Jelly Belly makes candy corn. That's about my favorite candy. And theirs is so much better than any other candy corn I've ever had.
After Jelly Belly we went back into the car. Joseph was doing such a good job in the car. He's never been in his car seat for more than an hour and a half. And almost every day he was in the car for two or more hours. What a little trouper.
He knows the routine now.
Getting ready for another trip.
We drove to the Sacramento temple to look around and take pictures. Joseph fell asleep in the car and wasn't too excited when he got woken up to take pictures.
Crying cuz Daddy got his hair wet with the water fountain.
Mesmerized by the water fountain.
Kallie mesmerized by the fountain.
Temples are pretty every where. I love the flowers and plants around every temple.
Joseph going for a walk with Daddy around the fountain.
Standing in front of the temple.
Pointing out Moroni. He knows what that thing is in Moroni's mouth and loves to make trumpet sounds when he points to him.
Merna, April and Kallie.
Okay, Mom, take another picture.
After the temple we went back and packed up the car. Then we went out to dinner at the best Mexican restaurant in the world. Dos Coyotes. If I lived in Cali I would eat there every...well, week at least. Maybe just once a month. But dang, it is good.
After dinner we came home. It was a LONG trip home. Joseph didn't sleep the whole way and most of the time he was awake, he was screaming.
We got home about 6:30 Tuesday morning. Then we slept for the rest of the morning.
We had such a fun trip. Totally thanks to Jake and Merna for turning their house over to us. Thanks to April for coming with us and taking care of Joseph in the car. We can't wait until the next vacation.
Joseph is perpetually on vacay with his Jelly Belly hat. Such a little cutie. He keeps asking about Jace and always asks "where's April?"
